Talk later?

Hey you...
It barely seems like two minutes ago that we were at school, arguing over the name of our newly founded cult. College was taken up with boys for me, girls for you (briefly) and a sprinkling of theological based discussion in the common room. Reality set in too quickly for my liking and before we knew it we had jobs, 'life' partners, debts. We didn't see each other from one month to the next and I soon depended upon your emails to update me on the sordid developments of your seemingly glamourous and fulfilling life in Dublin.

So how can it possibly be, dear friend, that today is the fifth anniversary of your death?

I decided early on that I could not and would not feel guilty for your passing. I can't be blamed for you not telling me how you felt, because it could easily have been the case that you did not know yourself. We often hide our true feelings from the world, even the world to which we are closest, and through doing so we hide from ourselves. Yet I feel guilty today. The world has moved on, and it is today that I have realised it. I miss you not being on Facebook; the fact that you wouldn't know what that is crushes my entire being.

My life has hurled itself in a variety of misguided directions since you decided to leave. I am frantic for you to know that I left my husband. Can you believe that I am divorced? The engagement threw you enough. I left the old smoke for the vibrant, life-propelling city that is Manchester - you would love it here as much as I do. I could take you to Cloud 23 and you will point excitedly at the Coronation Street set. We could go to The Pev and we could Lambada around the pool table like we did at The Mill. Remember? Of course you do.

Whilst being remarkably uninteresting or poignant to an outsider, your final words to me are amongst the most special words I carry around in my sentimental dictionary of remarks gone by. But not today. Today they make me angry, today I wish they would evaporate and leave me be.

Dear friend, I would love for nothing more to talk later. I know I will be forever waiting for your call.

x