Get Rich, Get Shoes Quick

It may be somewhat naive, but I have always prided myself on the fact that I am not a frugal person. For instance, being economical with the truth has never appealed.

Mam - "Does this make my bum look big?"

Me (innocent four year old) - "Nope, your bum is just big."

Playing it safe equals not playing at all. Perhaps that's why I married at 20, divorced at 25, paid £400 for a tortoise when I was struggling to make the rent. Mostly I think my life is richer for it. If only I could say the same for my bank account.

When my fellow students were holidaying at V Festival, I was honeymooning in Barbados. While friends who earn thousands of pounds more than me are wondering if they should take another tenner out for a dirty burger on the way home, I'm slapping the credit card down and ordering champagne all around. Not any more. Yesterday I issued myself with the ultimate commination - if I don't save a percentage of my income each month I'm not allowed to buy shoes. The responsibility on my shoulders is immense - if I'm not careful I could single handedly destroy Top Shop Shoes. My hands are shaking nervously as I type. There is nothing else for it. I have to find lucrative ways to earn more money and quickly. My Get Rich, Get Shoes Quick Plan is shaping up reasonably well.

Five weeks ago I lay mine and Herbert's home wide open when I added my name to the Royal Exchange Theatre's digs list. Less than a week later The Actor moved in. Home has quite simply not been the same since.

I've also decided to wrap my car. Unfortunately this does not involve wrapping it up in shiny paper and giving it back to the finance company with a small but perfectly formed bow and gift tag reading: "With love, you robbing rascals." Instead, I have applied to have my car wrapped by an advertising company. For a whole twelve months I could be driving around Manchester in the form of a one woman marketing campaign, promoting anything from Stella Artois to Durex. Oh dear. The things I will do for shoes never fail to astound me.